Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Fifty Shades of No, Thank You

 
I remember when the first book of the series hit the bookstores.  It did not take long for most of my girlfriends to start dishing about this "steamy hot" novel that was a MUST read.  Now, my middle daughter will tell you that I was a "Hipster" long before it was a thing.  Which is just to say that I have never been one to follow mainstream fads.  So, I did not run out and grab a copy.  I was one of the few, it seemed.   Pretty soon, Fifty Shades of Grey was not just a fad...it was a phenomenon.   By the time the 3rd book was out, I was honestly tired of telling other women I had not yet read even the first book in the series.  Finally, one friend who was (and still is) a huge fan insisted that I borrow her copy and read it.  I relented.  I picked up her worn copy of the trilogy and dove right on in.

   It's been a few years, so my memory is fuzzy, but I don't think I made it past the first third of the book.  I just could not allow myself to be swept away by anything having to do with Christian Grey.
 
  Now, before I really delve into my thoughts on this...I want to be clear.  I am not bashing, belittling or insulting anyone who loved the books, the movie or both.  You know what Salt and Peppa says..."Opinions are like assholes....everybody has one."  This is just my opinion...based on what I thought and felt while I was reading (or trying to read) Fifty Shades of Grey and the enormous popularity of the franchise. 

  Yes, the writing is pretty terrible.  But I don't think the author seriously thought she was going to win any literary awards.  This was written and marketed as erotica, because, well....it IS.  And I have zero issue with that.  I am not offended by pornography in the least.  I will go so far to say it can have a proper place in healthy sex lives...either coupled or all alone. Oh!   And it was definitely racy!  But here is what I could NOT get past.  Christian Grey is an asshole.  He is a jealous, manipulative, cruel and slightly frightening man.  He basically stalks her and does things that, IMHO, would NEVER fly in real life.  But just because he is gorgeous, crazy rich and also a character in a fucking book...it is not only acceptable...it is romantic.  No, thank you.  And here's what really got me.  Anastasia is a naïve, insecure and pitiful woman.   He feeds on this tremendously.  And she willingly serves it up.  And I get to describe her like that, because I have been her.  More than once. Thank God it has been a long time and today I realize my worth and am with a man who cherishes me.   But it makes me sick to remember what it was like to be so foolish and desperate that you will absolutely put up with shit that is completely unacceptable just to feel loved.  Blech. 

  I will take a moment here to say a few things as an aside.  If you have never been in an abusive relationship, and I mean mentally as much as physically, then you probably have zero frame of reference to what I am saying.  And if that is your truth....I say "Bravo to you, sister!"  Because you are one of the lucky ones.    I also fully acknowledge that true BDSM is not  abuse.  (I think it bears mentioning that the majority of the BDSM community has completely renounced Fifty Shades of Grey.)

  At any rate, I could not get swept up in the "love story" because I was so pissed at how he treated her and how she not only let him, but invited him to do so.  Because he was Christian Grey.  Ugh.

  Well, I put the book down...returned it to its owner and moved on.  I honestly did not relay my feelings to very many people because I was certain I was in a huge minority and also felt like maybe I was going overboard just a touch because  of personal experience. 

  It wasn't until the movie was about to come out that I discovered that not only was I not alone, but there is a fairly significant movement that feels the exact same way that I do.  Don't believe me?  Just Google "Fifty Shades is Abuse".  It is worth a look, IMHO. 

  I want to be perfectly clear about my position.  I believe that there are plenty of grown women, in healthy relationships, that read the books, got quite the charge out of them, went to see the movie with their girlfriends, came home and ravaged their perfectly lovely husbands (you know who you are!) and will thusly go on with their lives unchanged.  Here is my problem....there is a whole slew of teenage thru young adulthood girls/women who view this story not only as romance, but as a road map for how a relationship should go.  And that is tragic.  I know quite a few 16 year old girls who are highly impressionable and came away from this series with a terribly false idea of what is okay....of what they should expect or accept from a partner.  And how they should be convinced to behave!  And that makes me sad.  (and before you blast me with "16 year olds should not read this series"...I agree.  100%.  But I know my friends and I gathered around a paperback copy of Judy Blume's "Forever" in the 5th grade, which was totally forbidden.  So, let's just move past that.)

 The most upsetting thing to me comes up when I discuss the book with a fan who protests that it is a "love story" and that by the third book it is this beautiful fairy tale because she "saves him"!  There's only one problem with that. It IS a freaking fairy tale!  Men like that don't get saved.  (with rare exception.)  Men like that make you think that you are the problem...that you need to change who you are to suit them. They treat you horribly, make a grand and amazing apology, promise to never act like that again, and keep that promise.  Until they don't.   It is a vicious cycle that usually ends badly. 

  I want to teach my daughters that they deserve to be respected, not belittled.  I want them to know, way down deep, that they are enough.  And I want them to have the strength to say "No, thank you" to something that they know is unacceptable...even if it is being offered to them by someone like Christian Grey. 
 

5 comments:

  1. 2nd time comment was erased. Will come back tomorrow. I applaud your comments. SO right on! Christine M.

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  2. Well written Julie. Love that you are strong enough to voice your opinion and make it be heard!

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  3. Totally agree Julie. Like you, I picked up the book after the phenom occurred and couldn't get 4 chapters in. (Might have been the TERRIBLE writing) Young women are all ready in a "race to the bottom" when it comes to competing for the attention of men. I despise the modeling of a character that is as passive, co-dependent as thia one (or Bella in Twilight). And not only are there impressionable women out there, what about the young men? If you have "power", it's ok to treat women like this? Is a man entitled to sex/satisfaction because he buys a girl dinner, a car, pays the rent? Too many men and women think the answer is yes! I get that Hollywood is about making $$$, but don't preach about equal opportunity and treatment for women and put out drivel like this! /rant off :)

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  4. Thanks, ladies for all of the positive feedback. I could not agree more. Loved your "rant"! Spot on!

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  5. I remember "Forever!" in 5th grade.... sheesh. I want for my own children a healthy understanding of sexuality, equality, manhood, womanhood, happiness, belonging, LOVE. Thank you, Julie, for your thoughts!

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