Being a parent is hard, y'all. I honestly had no idea how hard. I mean, before I had kids, I was chock full of advice for all of my parent friends. I knew EVERYTHING about what was required to be a good parent. And I had no problem doling out said wisdom to most any of them that would listen. Like, a lot. YIKES. (And YES, I have since apologized to my them multiple times. Lucky for me, they are pretty forgiving.)
And then I had my son. And 17 months later, my daughter. Seriously the greatest thing I have EVER done. Like most parents, I had no idea I could love these tiny people so freaking much! It still astounds me.
You know what happened? All that glorious parenting knowledge went right out the damn window! Oh, how different parenting is when you are in the trenches. Everything I was certain that I would or would NEVER do? Yeah, whatever. I mean, caring for them when they were little babies was exhausting, but didn't require as much skill, IMHO, as when they start to become little people...with their own little personalities...which are usually GLORIOUS manifestations of ALL of your bad habits. I will write a looong blog post one day about that shit. Egads!
Some days, I feel like I am totally nailing the Mom gig. Knocking it out of the park. My kids say things like, "You are my best Mom" and "I am so glad God picked you to be my Mommy!" (I know, right???) I am overflowing with wise words, hugs, laundry and lunches. Other days? I am pretty sure that I am the WORST mother that ever lived. Like, EVER. On those days I get "You are the WORST Mom!" and "I wish so-and so's Mom was MY Mom." (Ugh, right?)
On those days, I usually cry...and lean on my husband. I feel frustrated. And totally overwhelmed with failure. I pray. I read www.handsfreemama.com or momastery.com/blog a lot. (You must check these ladies out. Rachel and Glennon are both amazeballs!) And then I try to remember that I am doing my best. That I am imperfect, and that's ok. That my kids know that I love them with ALL my heart. And that forgiveness and grace are a beautiful thing.
On the days that I'm nailing it... (or at least I THINK I am)...My kids make me laugh. So much. The Littles are both smart little whipper-snappers and they come up with some pretty funny stuff. Today was no exception.
I picked up the monkey from his BFFs house today after work. These boys are thick as thieves and I absolutely adore his family. They are good people to the core and are incredibly kind to us. They are also fairly well off. Now, we are not poor by ANY stretch of the imagination. If I had to take a shot, I'd say we are solid middle class folks. We ain't rolling in dough, but we don't really want for much. And I am totally fine with that.
I am trying, in my middle age years, to remind myself to appreciate what we DO have and not fret so much about what we don't have. And I am really trying to teach our children to do the same. It is easier said than done, but I believe that gratitude for your blessings will carry you a long way. And I say this to my kids on what feels like a daily basis. And yet, at 4 & 6 & 16....they all still pretty much just want what they want when they want it. Which brings me to today's little anecdote.
The boy and I were talking about his day and he was majorly lamenting that his best friend gets a fairly substantial new toy every time he has a "green day" at school. Now, we JUST started doing Dave Ramsey. And I don't ever want to saddle my kids with the whole, "we can't afford that" line. So we tell them that we have to budget for everything, especially the "extras". I already know that I have spoiled them more than I should. But I am trying to teach them (and myself) new habits.
So we are driving and my 6 year old son is doing a pretty good job of wailing and complaining that his friend gets everything and he gets NOTHING...he even had the nerve to say we are bad parents because we don't give them everything they want. (Have I mentioned that my kids are dramatic? NO CLUE where they get that from!) I was trying to explain to him that there will always be kids who have more than we do and kids that have less and we need to be grateful for what we have instead of being mad about what we don't have. (Sound familiar?)
I told him that being a good parent was about giving your kids love and time....food and shelter...and teaching them how to be good people. I went on. And on. See, when I think I am NAILING the Mom gig, I tend to ramble quite a bit, spewing at my kids all sorts of wonderfully wise words, most of which, I think, go right over their sweet little heads. Just ask my hubs...he will confirm the fact that I probably speak to them for 10-15 minutes sometimes and I most certainly lose them somewhere around minute 2. Le sigh.
So I am laying down my wisdom for my precious son. I conclude my little life lesson with this GEM.
"Son, what really matters in life is how much we love each other. It's memories and moments..playing games and taking trips. At the end of the day? Stuff is JUST STUFF." BOOM!
He instantly answered me with a very heartfelt, "But I LOVE stuff!" Followed by a more emphatic, "I WANT ALL OF THE STUFF!!!!"
I think I am getting through to them.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
I Stand Corrected
Well, it's been one whole week since I set out on this little "I'm gonna write a blog" adventure and I have to say, the response has been incredibly cool. My friends have all been super supportive and encouraging, I have received really cool messages from folks I have not heard from in ages and my hubby is uber proud. I think my very favorite reaction thus far has been that of my 83 year old Dad, who after reading my very first post, just looked at me and said, "Wow. That is a LOT of personal information to put out there." Thanks, Dad...I think?
This week has been a crazy one at work!! The kids both had busy school weeks, I totally forgot to send Monkey with candy he needed today for a 100 days of school celebration on Monday and Squeaks did not bring her Sound Box today for "N" day. (Sam was happy to let me know that she was able to show her "nose" and "nails" so it was ok. And Spencer can bring the Skittles on Monday.) Still feeling like Mother of the year, over here. Why do we do that to ourselves? I don't know about you guys, but I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever hope to be.
Speaking of mistakes...
My husband was kind enough to point out to me that I did NOT, in fact, get our money back for the "beautiful and buzz free life original blog debacle." Excuse moi? Apparently, what actually happened is that I got our money back the FOLLOWING YEAR, when they charged me for my second year of blogspace. Whoops. (Hubs is having a FEILD DAY with my little error, because his nickname for me is "Columbo" thanks to my incredible memory. I am going to let him have this one.)
I have discovered that writing a funny Facebook status update is MUCH easier than writing this blog. But, I just joined Twitter and trying to be devastatingly clever in 140 characters or less is kicking my ass! I am determined to figure it out, though....because I desperately want to be hip. (If YOU are hip and do the Twitter thang, then follow me @sobersuthrnmama. All the cool kids are doing it.)
I do a lot with our local community theater and tomorrow night I have been asked to reprise my Gypsy Fortune Teller character at Mall Ball, which is pretty big fundraiser here in town. It should be a good time. I get to speak with a fun accent, be totally outrageous, and pretend to tell fortunes to many, many people that have had free booze all night. I am certain I will return with some good stories! And if you are local and have tickets....stop by and let me tell your fortune!
This week has been a crazy one at work!! The kids both had busy school weeks, I totally forgot to send Monkey with candy he needed today for a 100 days of school celebration on Monday and Squeaks did not bring her Sound Box today for "N" day. (Sam was happy to let me know that she was able to show her "nose" and "nails" so it was ok. And Spencer can bring the Skittles on Monday.) Still feeling like Mother of the year, over here. Why do we do that to ourselves? I don't know about you guys, but I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever hope to be.
Speaking of mistakes...
My husband was kind enough to point out to me that I did NOT, in fact, get our money back for the "beautiful and buzz free life original blog debacle." Excuse moi? Apparently, what actually happened is that I got our money back the FOLLOWING YEAR, when they charged me for my second year of blogspace. Whoops. (Hubs is having a FEILD DAY with my little error, because his nickname for me is "Columbo" thanks to my incredible memory. I am going to let him have this one.)
I have discovered that writing a funny Facebook status update is MUCH easier than writing this blog. But, I just joined Twitter and trying to be devastatingly clever in 140 characters or less is kicking my ass! I am determined to figure it out, though....because I desperately want to be hip. (If YOU are hip and do the Twitter thang, then follow me @sobersuthrnmama. All the cool kids are doing it.)
I do a lot with our local community theater and tomorrow night I have been asked to reprise my Gypsy Fortune Teller character at Mall Ball, which is pretty big fundraiser here in town. It should be a good time. I get to speak with a fun accent, be totally outrageous, and pretend to tell fortunes to many, many people that have had free booze all night. I am certain I will return with some good stories! And if you are local and have tickets....stop by and let me tell your fortune!
Monday, January 19, 2015
And on the "Seventh Day", I rested.
Ha Ha! Just kidding. I never rest on Sundays. I used to LOVE Sundays. What did we used to call it? "Sunday Fun day" (read...we can start drinking at noon on the beach and it is perfectly ok!)
I can't imagine many Moms that are able to rest on Sundays...Unless you are rich and famous with "people" to take care of all of your Sunday stuff. Wait....let's all close our eyes and take a minute to imagine what that would be like....Ahhhhh....very nice.
Now, back to realty.
Sundays.
I was lucky enough to be able to (have to?) quit my job as a retail manager after Samantha was born because the cost of fulltime child care for 2 was so high, that the amount of money I would net was laughable. It was 2010, I was 39 years old and was going to be unemployed for the first time since I was 15. I had worked retail for a long time. If you have ever worked retail...you know it is not for the faint of heart. And I was a manager for a particular chain that sells lotions and soaps and stuff. Did you know that people get CRAZY about lotions and soaps and stuff? Seriously. I always wanted to say "Lady...it's just lotion. I am sorry we discontinued your FAVORITE scent. I am pretty sure your life isn't actually OVER. Oh, and here's a thought. PICK A NEW SMELL." Lawd.
But, I digress. (which I tend to do from time to time. Just come with me.) The thing is, being a stay at home Mom is hard work. Two babies under two is close to insanity...and mine were 17 months apart!! Everything you have ever read, or experienced firsthand, about being at home ALL DAY with wee ones, it absolutely true! You rarely shower, and are covered in partially digested baby food, from either end of the baby. Grown-up TV is a distant memory. ( I honestly could not tell you the last time I watched the Today Show) Adult conversation is non-existent and the lack of sleep is astounding.
However, while staying home and taking care of the kiddos is a HUGE and difficult job….there IS something wonderful about being able to stay in your yoga pants all day, eat lunch with your littles, and cuddle up and watch Sesame Street. And nap. If the Mommy Gods are smiling on you…you can always catch a nap. Then, when the kids get a touch older and one goes to pre-school…there is a certain amount of respite that I definitely took for granted. While I was no lady of leisure, staying home with the kids had its perks. Then the inevitable happened.
Squeaks reached pre-school age and Buddy was starting kindergarten…and guess what? It was time for Mama to go back to work. I had been out of the work force for over 4 years and my experience was mostly retail and outside sales, with some Real Estate and mortgage lending tossed in for good measure. (I also worked as an actor/singer/dancer at a really great theater company in Texas in my 20s….but the market for middle aged former actor/singer/dancer ladies is thin.) Anyway…the thought of going back to that certain special lotion store (or any retail, really) made me want to stab myself in the eye. But I had no idea what I could do without a real college degree. (4 years in school + working towards a degree in theater + lots of partying and fun times+ taking a job at a theater before I finished= No college degree. Cue sad trombone.)
I truly believe God had a hand in my path back to work. Almost at the exact moment I started looking, I literally found the perfect job, doing something I really enjoy, working for a super company and for people I like and respect, in a field that I had some experience in, and (the BEST part)…it wasn’t retail. (Angels sing right here.)
I went back to work in August. So it’s been 6 months. And I do LOVE my job. But going from staying in my yoga pants and not really having a schedule to getting up extra early for work and getting the kids to school…well, let’s just say it has been an adjustment. My darling husband, being the ever supportive partner, likes to sing the theme to “Welcome Back, Kotter” to me on the mornings when I am having a particularly difficult time. (Didn’t I tell you? He’s a peach.)
And now, instead of having all day to do things like laundry and dishes and dusting and mopping… (Wait…who am I kidding? I don’t dust)…well, now I have to find time to do it AROUND my work schedule. Which usually means the weekends. More specifically, SUNDAYS. For a while, I was trying to do laundry at night after the kids went to bed…which resulted in my staying up late, watching my favorite recorded shows (shout out to Criminal Minds, Walking Dead and Grey’s Anatomy…WOOT!) and eating ice cream…sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was great in theory…but not so much in practice. (One of my best girlfriends told me that I needed to start calling my yoga pants my “ice cream pants”…because I really only ate ice cream in them and never actually DID any yoga. I heart her. )
So, now, the majority of the housework has to happen on Sundays. And I have to start fairly early in the day…because there’s a SHITLOAD of stuff to do. (Oh, and BTW…I have a filthy mouth. It’s one of my only remaining vices. At first I was going to do the cute little asterisk thingys *** in place of spelling out the actual curse words, because I might offend someone. But then I thought, “Fuck it. It’s my blog and I curse.” So, there you go.)
No, Sunday is not a rest day. And I like to bitch about it. But, the truth is, my family has a home. And food. And clothes. And love. Most days it is messier than I would like. But I always try to remember, when I am buried under mounds of laundry, dirty dishes, pet hair and DUST …. that we have much to be grateful for. And to take a deep breath. And maybe try to sneak in a nap.
I can't imagine many Moms that are able to rest on Sundays...Unless you are rich and famous with "people" to take care of all of your Sunday stuff. Wait....let's all close our eyes and take a minute to imagine what that would be like....Ahhhhh....very nice.
Now, back to realty.
Sundays.
I was lucky enough to be able to (have to?) quit my job as a retail manager after Samantha was born because the cost of fulltime child care for 2 was so high, that the amount of money I would net was laughable. It was 2010, I was 39 years old and was going to be unemployed for the first time since I was 15. I had worked retail for a long time. If you have ever worked retail...you know it is not for the faint of heart. And I was a manager for a particular chain that sells lotions and soaps and stuff. Did you know that people get CRAZY about lotions and soaps and stuff? Seriously. I always wanted to say "Lady...it's just lotion. I am sorry we discontinued your FAVORITE scent. I am pretty sure your life isn't actually OVER. Oh, and here's a thought. PICK A NEW SMELL." Lawd.
But, I digress. (which I tend to do from time to time. Just come with me.) The thing is, being a stay at home Mom is hard work. Two babies under two is close to insanity...and mine were 17 months apart!! Everything you have ever read, or experienced firsthand, about being at home ALL DAY with wee ones, it absolutely true! You rarely shower, and are covered in partially digested baby food, from either end of the baby. Grown-up TV is a distant memory. ( I honestly could not tell you the last time I watched the Today Show) Adult conversation is non-existent and the lack of sleep is astounding.
However, while staying home and taking care of the kiddos is a HUGE and difficult job….there IS something wonderful about being able to stay in your yoga pants all day, eat lunch with your littles, and cuddle up and watch Sesame Street. And nap. If the Mommy Gods are smiling on you…you can always catch a nap. Then, when the kids get a touch older and one goes to pre-school…there is a certain amount of respite that I definitely took for granted. While I was no lady of leisure, staying home with the kids had its perks. Then the inevitable happened.
Squeaks reached pre-school age and Buddy was starting kindergarten…and guess what? It was time for Mama to go back to work. I had been out of the work force for over 4 years and my experience was mostly retail and outside sales, with some Real Estate and mortgage lending tossed in for good measure. (I also worked as an actor/singer/dancer at a really great theater company in Texas in my 20s….but the market for middle aged former actor/singer/dancer ladies is thin.) Anyway…the thought of going back to that certain special lotion store (or any retail, really) made me want to stab myself in the eye. But I had no idea what I could do without a real college degree. (4 years in school + working towards a degree in theater + lots of partying and fun times+ taking a job at a theater before I finished= No college degree. Cue sad trombone.)
I truly believe God had a hand in my path back to work. Almost at the exact moment I started looking, I literally found the perfect job, doing something I really enjoy, working for a super company and for people I like and respect, in a field that I had some experience in, and (the BEST part)…it wasn’t retail. (Angels sing right here.)
I went back to work in August. So it’s been 6 months. And I do LOVE my job. But going from staying in my yoga pants and not really having a schedule to getting up extra early for work and getting the kids to school…well, let’s just say it has been an adjustment. My darling husband, being the ever supportive partner, likes to sing the theme to “Welcome Back, Kotter” to me on the mornings when I am having a particularly difficult time. (Didn’t I tell you? He’s a peach.)
And now, instead of having all day to do things like laundry and dishes and dusting and mopping… (Wait…who am I kidding? I don’t dust)…well, now I have to find time to do it AROUND my work schedule. Which usually means the weekends. More specifically, SUNDAYS. For a while, I was trying to do laundry at night after the kids went to bed…which resulted in my staying up late, watching my favorite recorded shows (shout out to Criminal Minds, Walking Dead and Grey’s Anatomy…WOOT!) and eating ice cream…sometimes until 1 or 2 in the morning. It was great in theory…but not so much in practice. (One of my best girlfriends told me that I needed to start calling my yoga pants my “ice cream pants”…because I really only ate ice cream in them and never actually DID any yoga. I heart her. )
So, now, the majority of the housework has to happen on Sundays. And I have to start fairly early in the day…because there’s a SHITLOAD of stuff to do. (Oh, and BTW…I have a filthy mouth. It’s one of my only remaining vices. At first I was going to do the cute little asterisk thingys *** in place of spelling out the actual curse words, because I might offend someone. But then I thought, “Fuck it. It’s my blog and I curse.” So, there you go.)
No, Sunday is not a rest day. And I like to bitch about it. But, the truth is, my family has a home. And food. And clothes. And love. Most days it is messier than I would like. But I always try to remember, when I am buried under mounds of laundry, dirty dishes, pet hair and DUST …. that we have much to be grateful for. And to take a deep breath. And maybe try to sneak in a nap.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Well, Bless Her Heart!
Hey Y'all!
I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog for about 17 months now. I enjoy writing a great deal and some folks have even said they find me funny...
So, when I got sober back in August of 2013, I decided RIGHT THEN that I was going to make blogging about my sobriety my mission. If you happen to be friends with someone when they get sober, you will find that most of us think we are going to save the world, become a rehab counselor, feed the homeless, start a charity or some sort of other far out thing that we will neither have the time nor the energy for in our early sobriety. So there I sat, a full 6 hours sober, pretty hungover and sort of with the shakes, having just told my sweet husband (much to his relief) that today was the day. I told him that I knew I was an alcoholic and that I had to stop. He asked me if I was serious. I think more than once. I assured him I was very serious. We hugged. So with all of that and a big kiss, I sent him off to work, both of us excited, scared and really more bewildered than anything.
I was a stay at home mom at the time and the kids were, thankfully, still sleeping. I jumped onto my laptop and googled the usual...."women and alcoholism" "am I an alcoholic?" "How in the F**K do I stop drinking?" (Okay, I didn't really Google that last one, but I was certainly thinking it!)
I was amazed at the sheer volume of websites, blogs, and message boards for women alcoholics. I spent the next few hours pouring over ones that would become my favorites...totally wrapped up in the words of women who were JUST LIKE ME. It was truly a miracle. At that point, I was convinced I did not need AA, because they were a bunch of crazy, scary homeless people. (I was way wrong about that on both counts, but that's a story for another day.). So I made two decisions. One, I was going to get (and hopefully stay) sober in the comfort of my own home, wrapped up in the beautiful cocoon of online women's recovery AND I was going to write my own amazing and inspirational blog about my journey to fabulousness via sobriety!! Never one to dilly dally when I make up my mind, I named the blog, bought and paid for a word press domain and decided I was going to write the Best. Sober. Blog. Evah.
And all before my husband came home for lunch!
Can I tell you that I never wrote one single damn word?
Le sigh.
You see, I had to create a Gmail account first. And instead of going with a familiar email address, I wanted to use my brand new blog name, in all it's glory. Are you ready for this? I named it "a beautiful buzz free life" .com! Yes, I was heady with my newfound sobriety. I mean, seriously. It makes me laugh so much today. I was filled with so much happy righteousness. Ha!
So, I set up the email, chose a password (also a new variation on one of our usuals....am I smart or what?) and designed my perfect "pro-recovery/look at me get sober and kick-ass" website. I could not wait to show it to the hubs!
Now, let me say this about my sweet husband. He is (mostly) a PEACH. Seriously....I got very lucky when we fell in love after being best friends for 30 years! (yet another story for another day).
So, the poor guy comes home for lunch, half expecting me to laugh and say, "Hey- about that whole quitting drinking thing? Just kidding!" Fortunately for us both, I did not say that. Instead, I greeted him at the door with a huge hug and a kiss and said, "Ohmygosh honey, you won't believe what I am going to do! It's going to be so amazing! And it will help me stay sober! AND I can help other women get and stay sober, too! I going to write a sober BLOG! Eeeeeee! What's that? Is it a free blog site? Um, no. Please. You know I ONLY do things in the most expensive way possible. (thank GOD that ended up being a trait that gently subsided with my sobriety) What's that? How much? Oh, that's not important! Let me show you! It has the best name! Are you ready? "
He was not ready. Partially because I had just spent $100 on the domain that we really did not have. And partially because when I laid the AMAZEBALLS name of my blog on him...."A Beautiful and Buzz Free Life" .com....well, let's just say his socks stayed firmly on his feet. Jay is always VERY supportive of just about all of my endeavors. (yay!) He is also ALWAYS totally honest with me. (not yay!)
He literally was like....are you sure that's the name? I mean, you already picked it? And paid for it? I mean, it's ok but...
Wait, what?
So, he's laying the truth on me and I am slowly crumbling into a puddle on the floor. But then.....like any good alcoholic that is, oh....say 9 whole hours sober....I got MAD. So mad. "How do you not LOVE it?" I screamed? "Don't you remember what I used to always say? 'Everything is better with a BUZZ'??? That was like my life's motto! It's perfect. And I LOVE it. And you suck if you don't! (we will address the fact that I was still clinging to that credo as a 41 year old mother in another post)
He quickly recanted and reassured me that it was a wonderful blog name and that he was extremely proud of me. (good man) He went on to say that I was an excellent writer and he agreed that it would be really wonderful for me to blog about getting sober. Hooray! My first major sober crisis solved. And I didn't have to have a drink to get through it.
The day went on...Jay went back to work. I played with my beautiful babies....filled with the remorse over what a crap Mom I had been to them up to that point and overwhelmed with the JOY at what the future would hold for us...that I would be the perfect mother as a sober mother. (at this point I was under the serious disillusion that getting sober was going to fix everything...my life would be utter perfection, ripe with all good things and void of anything unpleasant. Bwah ha ha. Also, a good story for another day.)
Anyway....fast forward to that evening. The kids are in bed. It's my first... "gulp".... night without my beloved wine. I was a little shaky but strong in my resolve. And what better way to make this alcohol free evening fabulous than taking a crack at my first sober blog post? Right? Right!
So....I settled in at my desk and opened my laptop. I typed in my blog address and went to sign in with my brand new Gmail address. I typed in abeautifulandbuzzfreelife@gmail.com and put in my password...just bursting with excitement.
Error.
What?
Let me try that again.
So I did.
Nope.
F**k
Did I type it in wrong? Crap!
Still not working.
WTF Google??
So I try another password...because we have several variations of a few different ones and I could not remember which one I used for certain.
And no....I did NOT write the damn thing down.
Shush.
I type a new one in. Nope. Then another. Nada. And Again.
Nothing.
Denied. I can not get into the back end of my blog.
Then I start to panic....was my blog name "A" beautifulandbuzzfreelife??? Or had I left off the "A", in a much more casual and cool "beautifulandbuzzfreelife" fashion? I had absolutely no clue.
So I tried it that way.
Nope.
And again.
Are you f**king kidding me? At this point, I ponder if this ridiculous stress is enough to say to hell with this shit and go buy some vodka. I quickly decide it is not.
But seriously. How did this happen? So I try to retrieve my password....or change it...or SOMETHING. But...you have to KNOW your email address to get INTO it. Funny how that works.
In all my euphoria and excitement, I had neglected to write anything down and was now completely and utterly f**ked. Yep. That just happened. (I can sometimes be a little flighty and careless...shocking to hear, I am sure.)
I could not even bring myself to tell my husband for at least a week. But by that time, I had made peace with my blunder...fully embracing that fact that I did not have the time to blog about my journey to a new and sober me....What was I thinking? I was too busy trying to get there... in addition to being a full time wife and Mommy. Shockingly, he was not as "fine with it" as I was. But I did manage to get our $100 back about a month later. Around that time, at about 35 days sober, I discovered some really cool people that I ALREADY knew and liked, who just happened to be sober alcoholics. And they invited me to a meeting. And I went. And I discovered all sorts of wonderful things...but, that is... (say it with me) "another story for another time".
My goodness, I have many so stories to tell you! And I really think we are going to have some FUN! Or, at least, I am pretty sure I am. I certainly hope you won't be a stick in the mud. ;)
So, here I sit....17 months later....finally starting my blog. And yes, I pondered the name for long time. And I am starting with a free one. And I wrote down all the email and password info. And even though my life is so much better today, I am still a hot mess. Oh, you'll see. But as I sit here and type this and I remember that woman....scared, excited, so full of hope, but totally overwhelmed, and utterly ashamed...I smile really big and I just think, "Well, bless her heart!"
I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog for about 17 months now. I enjoy writing a great deal and some folks have even said they find me funny...
So, when I got sober back in August of 2013, I decided RIGHT THEN that I was going to make blogging about my sobriety my mission. If you happen to be friends with someone when they get sober, you will find that most of us think we are going to save the world, become a rehab counselor, feed the homeless, start a charity or some sort of other far out thing that we will neither have the time nor the energy for in our early sobriety. So there I sat, a full 6 hours sober, pretty hungover and sort of with the shakes, having just told my sweet husband (much to his relief) that today was the day. I told him that I knew I was an alcoholic and that I had to stop. He asked me if I was serious. I think more than once. I assured him I was very serious. We hugged. So with all of that and a big kiss, I sent him off to work, both of us excited, scared and really more bewildered than anything.
I was a stay at home mom at the time and the kids were, thankfully, still sleeping. I jumped onto my laptop and googled the usual...."women and alcoholism" "am I an alcoholic?" "How in the F**K do I stop drinking?" (Okay, I didn't really Google that last one, but I was certainly thinking it!)
I was amazed at the sheer volume of websites, blogs, and message boards for women alcoholics. I spent the next few hours pouring over ones that would become my favorites...totally wrapped up in the words of women who were JUST LIKE ME. It was truly a miracle. At that point, I was convinced I did not need AA, because they were a bunch of crazy, scary homeless people. (I was way wrong about that on both counts, but that's a story for another day.). So I made two decisions. One, I was going to get (and hopefully stay) sober in the comfort of my own home, wrapped up in the beautiful cocoon of online women's recovery AND I was going to write my own amazing and inspirational blog about my journey to fabulousness via sobriety!! Never one to dilly dally when I make up my mind, I named the blog, bought and paid for a word press domain and decided I was going to write the Best. Sober. Blog. Evah.
And all before my husband came home for lunch!
Can I tell you that I never wrote one single damn word?
Le sigh.
You see, I had to create a Gmail account first. And instead of going with a familiar email address, I wanted to use my brand new blog name, in all it's glory. Are you ready for this? I named it "a beautiful buzz free life" .com! Yes, I was heady with my newfound sobriety. I mean, seriously. It makes me laugh so much today. I was filled with so much happy righteousness. Ha!
So, I set up the email, chose a password (also a new variation on one of our usuals....am I smart or what?) and designed my perfect "pro-recovery/look at me get sober and kick-ass" website. I could not wait to show it to the hubs!
Now, let me say this about my sweet husband. He is (mostly) a PEACH. Seriously....I got very lucky when we fell in love after being best friends for 30 years! (yet another story for another day).
So, the poor guy comes home for lunch, half expecting me to laugh and say, "Hey- about that whole quitting drinking thing? Just kidding!" Fortunately for us both, I did not say that. Instead, I greeted him at the door with a huge hug and a kiss and said, "Ohmygosh honey, you won't believe what I am going to do! It's going to be so amazing! And it will help me stay sober! AND I can help other women get and stay sober, too! I going to write a sober BLOG! Eeeeeee! What's that? Is it a free blog site? Um, no. Please. You know I ONLY do things in the most expensive way possible. (thank GOD that ended up being a trait that gently subsided with my sobriety) What's that? How much? Oh, that's not important! Let me show you! It has the best name! Are you ready? "
He was not ready. Partially because I had just spent $100 on the domain that we really did not have. And partially because when I laid the AMAZEBALLS name of my blog on him...."A Beautiful and Buzz Free Life" .com....well, let's just say his socks stayed firmly on his feet. Jay is always VERY supportive of just about all of my endeavors. (yay!) He is also ALWAYS totally honest with me. (not yay!)
He literally was like....are you sure that's the name? I mean, you already picked it? And paid for it? I mean, it's ok but...
Wait, what?
So, he's laying the truth on me and I am slowly crumbling into a puddle on the floor. But then.....like any good alcoholic that is, oh....say 9 whole hours sober....I got MAD. So mad. "How do you not LOVE it?" I screamed? "Don't you remember what I used to always say? 'Everything is better with a BUZZ'??? That was like my life's motto! It's perfect. And I LOVE it. And you suck if you don't! (we will address the fact that I was still clinging to that credo as a 41 year old mother in another post)
He quickly recanted and reassured me that it was a wonderful blog name and that he was extremely proud of me. (good man) He went on to say that I was an excellent writer and he agreed that it would be really wonderful for me to blog about getting sober. Hooray! My first major sober crisis solved. And I didn't have to have a drink to get through it.
The day went on...Jay went back to work. I played with my beautiful babies....filled with the remorse over what a crap Mom I had been to them up to that point and overwhelmed with the JOY at what the future would hold for us...that I would be the perfect mother as a sober mother. (at this point I was under the serious disillusion that getting sober was going to fix everything...my life would be utter perfection, ripe with all good things and void of anything unpleasant. Bwah ha ha. Also, a good story for another day.)
Anyway....fast forward to that evening. The kids are in bed. It's my first... "gulp".... night without my beloved wine. I was a little shaky but strong in my resolve. And what better way to make this alcohol free evening fabulous than taking a crack at my first sober blog post? Right? Right!
So....I settled in at my desk and opened my laptop. I typed in my blog address and went to sign in with my brand new Gmail address. I typed in abeautifulandbuzzfreelife@gmail.com and put in my password...just bursting with excitement.
Error.
What?
Let me try that again.
So I did.
Nope.
F**k
Did I type it in wrong? Crap!
Still not working.
WTF Google??
So I try another password...because we have several variations of a few different ones and I could not remember which one I used for certain.
And no....I did NOT write the damn thing down.
Shush.
I type a new one in. Nope. Then another. Nada. And Again.
Nothing.
Denied. I can not get into the back end of my blog.
Then I start to panic....was my blog name "A" beautifulandbuzzfreelife??? Or had I left off the "A", in a much more casual and cool "beautifulandbuzzfreelife" fashion? I had absolutely no clue.
So I tried it that way.
Nope.
And again.
Are you f**king kidding me? At this point, I ponder if this ridiculous stress is enough to say to hell with this shit and go buy some vodka. I quickly decide it is not.
But seriously. How did this happen? So I try to retrieve my password....or change it...or SOMETHING. But...you have to KNOW your email address to get INTO it. Funny how that works.
In all my euphoria and excitement, I had neglected to write anything down and was now completely and utterly f**ked. Yep. That just happened. (I can sometimes be a little flighty and careless...shocking to hear, I am sure.)
I could not even bring myself to tell my husband for at least a week. But by that time, I had made peace with my blunder...fully embracing that fact that I did not have the time to blog about my journey to a new and sober me....What was I thinking? I was too busy trying to get there... in addition to being a full time wife and Mommy. Shockingly, he was not as "fine with it" as I was. But I did manage to get our $100 back about a month later. Around that time, at about 35 days sober, I discovered some really cool people that I ALREADY knew and liked, who just happened to be sober alcoholics. And they invited me to a meeting. And I went. And I discovered all sorts of wonderful things...but, that is... (say it with me) "another story for another time".
My goodness, I have many so stories to tell you! And I really think we are going to have some FUN! Or, at least, I am pretty sure I am. I certainly hope you won't be a stick in the mud. ;)
So, here I sit....17 months later....finally starting my blog. And yes, I pondered the name for long time. And I am starting with a free one. And I wrote down all the email and password info. And even though my life is so much better today, I am still a hot mess. Oh, you'll see. But as I sit here and type this and I remember that woman....scared, excited, so full of hope, but totally overwhelmed, and utterly ashamed...I smile really big and I just think, "Well, bless her heart!"
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