Before I fell in love with my husband, I was pretty sure that I did not want to have kids. Partially because they seemed like a pain in the ass, and partially because being a good parent seemed like a such a difficult job. I mean, not only was I an only child... I was the only grandchild on BOTH sides of my family. (I know, the jokes write themselves.) I was pretty certain that I was too selfish to ever even think about being a good Mom. Add to that the death of MY Mom when I was 17, and that pretty much sealed the deal on my "No way do I want to do THAT shit" philosophy.
But you know what they say....If you want God to laugh, make plans. I fell head over heels in love with my husband...who I had been friends with my entire life. I was 36 years old....and I remember the first time I had that flicker of, "I think I might actually want to have a baby with this guy". It about knocked me on my ass. Something that I thought I would never, ever do....suddenly became the most wonderful and natural thing in the world. Lucky for me, he was game. And lucky for us, I was fertile. And 2 years later, we were blissfully (mostly) married and had two beautiful babies. Monkey and Squeaks. A boy and a girl. 17 months apart. Woo-Hoo! What were we thinking? (I have a few friends who have actual twins and I bow down to them. I mean, seriously. Parents of multiples should get some kind of freaking parenting award. Really.)
I have said this before. I think the early days of child rearing are the easiest. Yes, you are ridiculously sleep deprived. And it is hell. But it is pretty much a merry-go-round of feed, change, burp, rock, hold, get them to sleep....rinse and repeat. It is when they start to really develop their own little personalities that shit gets real. You are molding them into people. And they start to repeat things you say. All of the things. And you notice that they pick up your best and WORST habits and traits. I mean, my kids are awesome. And I love them so much it hurts sometimes. But there are days when I feel like I am actually on a hidden camera reality TV show called "Toddler Mind Fuck." For Real.
The other night my daughter was doing her usual "anything I can come up with to keep from going to sleep" routine and she decided to play the hungry card. I read one time about a Mom that would say, "the kitchen is closed" to her kids when they were begging for food and that would be that. So, I figured I would give it a try. But instead of saying "Ok, Mom", my child starts crying hysterically and screaming, "What? Do you want me to just STARVE to DEATH? Huh, Mama? Is that what you want?" I had to bite through my lip to keep from giggling. We worked it out and she settled for a few sips of milk... just in case she was actually hungry. Sometimes, she will call me back into her room because she has to tell me "just one more thing." And I go. But only a few times. THAT is where my ass gets screwed over. I am completely taken in with the notion that just MAYBE they are telling the truth. I mean, what IF? (Yes, go ahead. Laugh. Make fun. I deserve it.) I figure I will have learned my lesson by the time they are teenagers.
And my son is more dramatic than my daughter...as if that is EVEN possible. His latest kick is proclaiming that today is "the WORST DAY EVER" when something does not go his way. I finally told him last week, that if every day was the worst day...then each day was worse than the last and his days must be pretty crap. He didn't really appreciate that. Or there was this morning, when he was too tired to go to school and after telling him he had to go, I asked him to sit up so he could get his shoes on. His reply? "Mom! Why do you make me do everything?" I mean, the nerve, right? You can't make this shit up.
Sometimes I look at my husband and I say...."what the hell happened? How are our kids such little assholes?!" And then I realize the obvious answer is because we are assholes, right? Sometimes I get totally wound up in that feeling of failure that I can only associate with feeling like a bad mom. Le sigh.
But then, I go to the store. And I see another Mom almost lose it when her kid won't stop standing up in the cart. Or I read a Mom friend's post on Facebook about their little "angel" doing something like drawing all over the cat. I read another Mom blog about how we are so hard on ourselves and there is no such thing as a perfect Mother. I talk to my best friend who tells me that she went through the same thing with her kids when they were this age and it is going to be ok. And then I realize that sometimes, everyone's kids are little assholes. Ha ha.
The real prize is this, though. I get to lie in bed with my daughter and talk about what she thinks the tattoo written in Hebrew on my wrist says. And marvel at her guesses as they go from "Jesus loves me" to "Flip Flops are awesome to wear in the Summer." I get to see the joy and pride in my son's eyes when he comes home to tell me that he learned 200 + 200 is 400, or read his book of feelings that says "I feel loved when... my Mom hugs me tight." I get to tuck them in at night and kiss their sweet faces when they look up at me and say, "I love you, Mama."
Because we are molding them into people. I think (hope) we are molding them into good ones. And I was right...being a good parent is incredibly hard. Sometimes I think I am going to break into a million pieces with frustration. But if I am in a good place, I can stop and remember what Daniel Tiger says. Hell, sometimes my kids will remind me and we sing the song together. (You've got to love that, right?) But, as hard as it can be...there is nothing like it. When I think about my life before I became a Mother...I had no clue about what I thought I did not want. And my gosh...am I grateful that I was given the chance to be a Mom...to all four of my kids! Of course, I want to be the best Mom I can to them. And I don't like it when I mess things up, either!
But I am learning to forgive myself. And to take in the good. My word for 2015 is grateful. Because no matter how tough things get, there are always things to be grateful for. So, I say let's gives ourselves a break. We are doing the best we can. Learn to laugh at the insanity and drink up the love. Because it is all around you. Even if, every once in a while, you are surrounded by little assholes.
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