"But what if I'm not FUN anymore?!"
That was literally the first thing I thought about any time I would even consider giving up drinking. I mean, how did anyone have any fun at all without being drunk? ( I remember being around a few folks that did not drink at different times in my life and thinking to myself, "Those poor souls. They must be the most boring people EVER!" Seriously.)
Everything I did was an excuse to drink. Going to the beach? The movies? Bowling? Company picnic? We must drink! A reunion? Working lunch? Happy hour? Girls night? Bring out the vodka! Football games on Sundays, ESPECIALLY the Super Bowl, were a God-send to a drunk like me. I could start drinking early and get pretty shitty, and it was totally socially acceptable. "Come on, Everybody's doing it!" Towards the end of my drinking, I used to jokingly say, "I only drink on days that end in "Y"!" Ha ha ha ha. Wasn't I hilarious and cute?
(As a side note, I think the culture of making jokes about being a drunk, seen most often on Facebook, do a real disservice to women who actually have a problem. I hid behind the "jokes" for a good while. I mean, if all these other ladies are posting these hilarious memes about drinking too much, then I must be ok! Right?) Yeah, not so much.
You see, I knew that I drank too much a few years before I started thinking about quitting. And then it took me a few more years after that to actually quit. Once I went to see a therapist because my life was a hot mess. He suggested that I stop drinking "just for 30 days...to see if anything got better." Huh??? Riiiight. I never went back.
Here's the thing. I had a pretty great childhood. No abuse, great parents, lots of friends. But my mother was an alcoholic. She did not die from alcoholism, but she drank until she was too sick to hold a glass. That, coupled with an incredible desire to be liked, nay LOVED, by everyone I came into contact with...and you have a perfect recipe for an alcoholic disguised as "Party girl Julie". (That was an actual nick-name given to me by the wife of the CEO of a huge company I worked for...and I thought it was a good thing. Lawd.)
Looking back, I was "Party girl Julie"....and for a short while it was working. (And I do mean short.) But the bad decisions and dangerous situations kept mounting. It is incredible to me when I recall all of the insane shit I did and how I was able to justify it all, never actually considering that alcohol was the problem. I just wanted to have fun! The problem was I never wanted the party to end.
I remember my husband saying to me, on more than one occasion, "Don't you think it's time to grow up?" On the surface I was offended, but deep down I knew that he was right. I love my husband for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that he knew he couldn't make me get sober...that I had to decide to do it on my own. And thank God I did.
I am coming up on 18 months without a drink. Which is incredible to me. And I don't tell you this to brag. I am telling you this because there was a time when I could not imagine 18 days without one, let alone 18 months. I had no idea how to do life without my mask of booze. I thought it made me fabulous. What it really made me was a terrible friend, employee, wife and mother.
But here's the awesome part. Here is what I have learned thus far in my recovery. That I am fun. And funny. And fabulous. All without booze. I laugh harder. My friendships are more genuine. I am most definitely a better wife and mother. I never have to wake up again with the shame of not knowing exactly what I did the night before. I never have to lie to my bosses about why I can't make it into work today. I never have to text any of my friends apologizing for my behavior at their party, hoping they forgive me. My kids don't have to wonder why "Mommy has a headache" AGAIN. I have an incredible program filled with amazing people and if I work it, I get a daily reprieve from my alcoholism. I am more free than I ever dreamed was possible.
And before you roll your eyes and throw up a little bit in your mouth from all of my gushing and gratitude, let me also say this. Life is still hard. I still have days where I am overwhelmed with feeling like a failure as a parent. My husband and I still fight about silly stuff sometimes. And big stuff, too. I have days where staying in bed sounds like a really super idea. Shit is HARD. But I don't have to pick up a drink to get through it. Just for today.
I decided to write about this today, because I was thinking that only a few years ago, a Super Bowl Sunday without alcohol was unimaginable. Today I am going to enjoy great food and my family while we watch the game. Without shame, guilt or any bad decisions. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be completely transparent about my recovery, in the hopes that I might help other women like me.
Now, I can only tell my story. I can only tell you how it was for me. It is not my place to judge anyone else or how they live their life. Shockingly, I still struggle with this at times. I mean, honestly, if people would just listen to me, they could get their shit together. (I have the best ideas, dontcha know?) ;)
There's a saying that I learned in recovery that I love. (actually there are LOTS of sayings in recovery that I love. Apparently we are fond of incredibly deep, yet catchy phrases to help to teach really good life lessons.) I digress....it's "Keep your side of the street clean." It means, you just need to do you. (Great advice, but tough for a know-it-all like me.) So, I am not writing this to judge anyone. But I can share my "experience, strength and hope" with y'all. Maybe someone out there needed to hear this today. If only to plant the seed.
So, if you are struggling with your drinking, know this. There is help out there. And life is not only fun without booze, it can be so much better without it. You will laugh again. You will have a good time. You CAN live every day without being trapped by your drinking. Reach out. And don't be ashamed. You are not alone. There are lots of fun and fabulous women just like you. Probably more than you think. And we are here to support you. And the best part is that we are always here, if you ever decide that you have had enough. No judgment. Just love. And since it's Super Bowl "Sober" Sunday....Go Seahawks! xo
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