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As far back as I can remember, I have been involved in just about everything I could get my hands on. From extra-curricular activities as a kid, endless social activities as a young woman, meddling in other people's problems as an adult....(so glad I finally gave that one up!!) to trying to balance being a working Mom, wife, woman in recovery, business owner, runner, & theater enthusiast all at present....to say that I stay busy is the understatement of the century. The fact that I have not written anything in 2 weeks speaks to how over-cluttered I have let my life get as of late.
When I ponder the many character defects I have been blessed with, the inability to just "be" is definitely up there. It is certainly one of the reasons I turned to drugs and alcohol. Most of us drunks do not like to sit in the silence with ourselves and our feelings. That said, since I got sober in August of 2013, I have been actively trying to work on this through prayer and meditation. Or at least, I have been telling myself I am trying. In reality...not so much. I often have friends and family make comments about how crazy busy I am and how they can't imagine how I do it, and on and on. And I usually laugh it off and make some joke about too much coffee and then run off to my next "thing".
Well, let me tell you what...all of that came to a screeching halt this past Wednesday at about 6am.
As some of you know, I like to dabble in running. It has been a wonderful and sometimes hilarious outlet for me. (You can read about my runaway Grand Champion Female Masters Win that was not a win right here. I seriously can not make this shit up.) Anyway, I had just recently made a serious commitment to getting up early at least 2 days a week to run, since there was no way I could keep up my running at night. In order to get back to regular running, mornings it would have to be.
Let me set the scene.... I set my alarm for 5:30 am, popped out of bed when it went off, got on my running gear and out the door I went. The weather was perfection. I was having a terrific run. My running soundtrack is the shit. I was literally thinking to myself, "this is not so bad! I can totally do this 2 days a week. Man, this is going to be great!" Ugh. Right around 1.5 miles, I was on an unfamiliar stretch of our 'hood thanks to a road block where they are fixing a caved in driveway courtesy of The Great Pensacola Flood of 2014. A car passed me going the other way and then made an abrupt U-turn. It was still pitch black out and every once in a while I get a little spooked and imagine this whole scene where I get abducted in the darkness and terrible things happen and I am never seen or heard from again. (yes, I watch too much Criminal Minds.) Anyway, the car is now coming up behind me...a little too close for my taste...so I move over into the grass and keep running. I was actually looking over my shoulder to see what was up when, BAM! (Or actually, POP.) I ran into a hole and turned my ankle so hard that I felt and heard the sound. And I was running with such stride, that I went flying another 10 feet or so. Thank God it was on grass.
Two things went through my head right then. First was, "you have got to be fucking kidding me!" and second was, "maybe it's not that bad." (okay, 3 things...because the FIRST thing was what an asshole the guy in the car was. I am pretty sure he saw my swan dive and just kept on truckin'.) All of that took about .5 seconds because once the pain set in, I am pretty sure I was ugly crying like Nancy Kerrigan. For real. I immediately dial my husband to alert him to my peril. But he won't pick up the damn phone. So, I dial it again. I can SEE it ringing. Why isn't he answering?!?! OMG....this can't be happening. (At this point I am straight up SOBBING. LOUDLY. WTF, people whose yard I am in?!? Not to mention the 6 cars that passed by me while I am crumpled into a ball of hot mess on the side of the road. People are jerks...glad I wasn't bleeding profusely.) Anyway....so there I am...hysterically dialing the phone over and over....I think at one point I actually stood up to try and limp the mile and a half home...because WHY IS MY HUSBAND NOT ANSWERING?!?
Oh. Wait. Maybe I should unplug my headphones from the PHONE!?!?! Maybe THEN he could hear me and I, him? Ya think?? Yep. That just happened. Le sigh.
So the hubs comes to get me and we head to the ER. I love our ER. We have a great one in our little Hamlet-by-the-sea...and I think if you are going to go to the ER, between 6 and 7 AM is money. They took me straight back. Like, zero waiting. Great doctor, a few x-rays, the good news it is not broken and I am released with crutches (Or "crunches" as both my kiddos say) and a BOOT. God bless the boot.
I say God bless the boot, because I ended up having to go to work the rest of the week. Wednesday was my call because our CEO was in town for our Grand Opening and Ribbon Cutting. The rest of the week was one of those feelings I had that if I wanted to keep my job, I should probably get my ass into work. (the folks I work for are lovely...it's just that we are very busy and my job is essential to keeping everyone productive.) So the boot is awesome because the crutches SUCK and I can almost put a tiny bit of weight on it as I try to hobble about my day. Not ideal for my healing, but Mama's gotta work.
Now, at home it is a different story. I have to take it easy at home. Because I have not been able to really keep it up and iced at work, I have been trying really hard to stay in bed, with it up and on ice when I am home. We are on day 5 since the incident and I think I can safely say this is the worst injury I have had since I was a kid. My ankle and foot are HUGE and purple. It's lovely. That is where I affectionately came up with "Franken-cankle." It's hideous. And painful.
Now...all my cards on the table, I must confess that I have always been an "Oh, I will just do it myself" kind of person. I have been compared to the Energizer Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and pretty much any other "Whirling Dervish" type thing. I go, go, go. All. The. Time. And now? I can't. Literally. Can not. And it is so very hard, y'all! I am not used to slowing down, Or being waited on. And I am especially not used to having to be okay with the way that other people do the things that I would normally do. (Mostly because they just do it all wrong! ha ha) To say that this has been a humbling experience would be putting it mildly.
I do recognize that this is God's way of forcing me to slow down. Apparently I did not pay attention to any of the small warnings that He sent my way, so he had to do that thing that I liken to being thumped on the forehead by The Lord. (or, in this case, the ankle!) So, I'm listening this time.
Because here's the thing....not only do I see that I have been crowding my life with too much "stuff", but I also have discovered recently that I am not doing anything exceedingly well. I am spread so very thin, that nothing is really getting enough of my attention...not my husband, my kids, my job, myself, and certainly not my time with God. I have learned enough in my recovery, that if I am not "spiritually fit", then not much else is going to go well. So, I am taking this time to heal, to pray, and to take a look at the things that really matter and give my best self to those things.
Do I think I am going to actually slow down? Probably not. My high energy, upbeat self is one of the things I am actually grateful for. But I do think there's a big difference between high energy and frantic. I need to take this time to learn how to be quiet (for at least a few minutes a day). I so want to find better balance....and truthfully, don't we all?
So, as I sit here typing this blog, with my foot up and on ice...gazing at the (clean) laundry that is literally spread all over our room, thinking about the 7,000 other things that I should be doing right now...well, I have to just take a deep breath, be grateful for my many blessings and ask God to please keep me from hopping around our house on one foot. "Oooooohhhhhmmmmmm. Amen."
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