Well, Bless Her Heart!

Hey Y'all! 

I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog for about 17 months now.   I enjoy writing a great deal and some folks have even said they find me funny...

So,  when I got sober back in August of 2013, I decided RIGHT THEN that I was going to make blogging about my sobriety my mission.  If you happen to be friends with someone when they get sober, you will find that most of us think we are going to save the world, become a rehab counselor, feed the homeless, start a charity or some sort of other far out thing that we will neither have the time nor the energy for in our early sobriety.   So there I sat, a full 6 hours sober, pretty hungover and sort of with the shakes, having just told my sweet husband (much to his relief) that today was the day.  I told him that I knew I was an alcoholic and that I had to stop.  He asked me if I was serious.  I think more than once.  I assured him I was very serious.  We hugged.   So with all of that and a big kiss, I sent him off to work, both of us excited, scared and really more bewildered than anything.

 I was a stay at home mom at the time and the kids were, thankfully, still sleeping.  I jumped onto my laptop and googled the usual...."women and alcoholism" "am I an alcoholic?" "How in the F**K do I stop drinking?" (Okay, I didn't really Google that last one, but I was certainly thinking it!)

I was amazed at the sheer volume of websites, blogs, and message boards for women alcoholics.  I spent the next few hours pouring over ones that would become my favorites...totally wrapped up in the words of women who were JUST LIKE ME.  It was truly a miracle.    At that point, I was convinced I did not need AA, because they were a bunch of crazy, scary homeless people.  (I was way wrong about that on both counts, but that's a story for another day.).   So I made two decisions.  One, I was going to get (and hopefully stay) sober in the comfort of my own home, wrapped up in the beautiful cocoon of online women's recovery AND I was going to write my own amazing and inspirational blog about my journey to fabulousness via sobriety!!     Never one to dilly dally when I make up my mind, I named the blog, bought and paid for a word press domain and decided I was going to write the Best. Sober. Blog. Evah.

And all before my husband came home for lunch!

Can I tell you  that I never wrote one single damn word?

Le sigh.

You see, I had to create a Gmail account first.  And instead of going with a familiar email address, I wanted to use my brand new blog name, in all it's glory.  Are you ready for this?  I  named it "a beautiful buzz free life" .com!  Yes, I was heady with my newfound sobriety.  I mean, seriously.  It makes me laugh so much today.  I was filled with so much happy righteousness.  Ha!

 So, I set up the email, chose a password (also a new variation on one of our usuals....am I smart or what?) and designed my perfect "pro-recovery/look at me get sober and kick-ass" website. I could not wait to show it to the hubs!

Now, let me say this about my sweet husband.  He is (mostly) a PEACH.  Seriously....I got very lucky when we fell in love after being best friends for 30 years! (yet another story for another day). 

So, the poor guy comes home for lunch, half expecting me to laugh and say, "Hey- about that whole quitting drinking thing?  Just kidding!"   Fortunately for us both, I did not say that.  Instead, I greeted him at the door with a huge hug and a kiss and said, "Ohmygosh honey, you won't believe what I am going to do!  It's going to be so amazing!  And it will help me stay sober!  AND I can help other women get and stay sober, too! I going to write a sober BLOG!  Eeeeeee!  What's that?  Is it a free blog site? Um, no.  Please.  You know I ONLY do things in the most expensive way possible. (thank GOD that ended up being a trait that gently subsided with my sobriety)  What's that?  How much?  Oh, that's not important! Let me show you!  It has the best name!  Are you ready? "

He was not ready.  Partially because I had just spent $100 on the domain that we really did not have.  And partially because when I laid the AMAZEBALLS name of my blog on him...."A Beautiful and Buzz Free Life" .com....well, let's just say his socks stayed firmly on his feet.    Jay is always VERY supportive of just about all of my endeavors.  (yay!)  He is also ALWAYS totally honest with me.  (not yay!) 

He literally was like....are you sure that's the name?  I mean, you already picked it?  And paid for it?  I mean, it's ok but...

Wait, what?

So, he's laying the truth on me and I am slowly crumbling into a puddle on the floor.  But then.....like any good alcoholic that is, oh....say 9 whole hours sober....I got MAD.  So mad.  "How do you not LOVE it?" I screamed?    "Don't you remember what I used to always say?  'Everything is better with a BUZZ'???  That was like my life's motto!  It's perfect.  And I LOVE it.  And you suck if you don't!    (we will address the fact that I was still clinging to that credo as a 41 year old mother in another post) 

He quickly recanted and reassured me that it was a wonderful blog name and that he was extremely proud of me.  (good man)   He went on to say that I was an excellent writer and he agreed that it would be really wonderful for me to blog about getting sober.  Hooray!  My first major sober crisis solved.  And I didn't have to have a drink to get through it. 

The day went on...Jay went back to work.  I played with my beautiful babies....filled with the remorse over what a crap Mom I had been to them up to that point and overwhelmed with the JOY at what the future would hold for us...that I would be the perfect mother as a sober mother.  (at this point I was under the serious disillusion that getting sober was going to fix everything...my life would be utter perfection, ripe with all good things and void of anything unpleasant.  Bwah ha ha.  Also, a good story for another day.)

Anyway....fast forward to that evening.  The kids are in bed.  It's my first... "gulp".... night without my beloved wine.  I was a little shaky but strong in my resolve.  And what better way to make this alcohol free evening fabulous than taking a crack at my first sober blog post?  Right?  Right!

So....I settled in at my desk and opened my laptop.  I typed in my blog address and went to sign in with my brand new Gmail address.  I typed in abeautifulandbuzzfreelife@gmail.com and put in my password...just bursting with excitement.

Error. 
What?
Let me try that again.
So I did.
Nope.
F**k
Did I type it in wrong?  Crap!
Still not working.
WTF Google??
So I try another password...because we have several variations of a few different ones and I could not remember which one I used for certain.
And no....I did NOT write the damn thing down. 
Shush.

I type a new one in. Nope.   Then another.  Nada.   And Again. 
Nothing. 
Denied.  I can not get into the back end of my blog. 
Then I start to panic....was my blog name "A" beautifulandbuzzfreelife???  Or had I left off the "A", in a much more casual and cool "beautifulandbuzzfreelife" fashion?  I had absolutely no clue.
So I tried it that way.
Nope. 
And again. 
Are you f**king kidding me?   At this point, I ponder if this ridiculous stress is enough to say to hell with this shit and go buy some vodka.  I quickly decide it is not.

But seriously.  How did this happen?  So I try to retrieve my password....or change it...or SOMETHING.  But...you have to KNOW your email address to get INTO it.  Funny how that works.

In all my euphoria and excitement, I had neglected to write anything down and was now completely and utterly f**ked.   Yep.  That just happened.  (I can sometimes be a little flighty and careless...shocking to hear, I am sure.)  

I could not even bring myself to tell my husband for at least a week.  But by that time, I had made peace with my blunder...fully embracing that fact that I did not have the time to blog about my journey to a new and sober me....What was I thinking?  I was too busy trying to get there... in addition to being a full time wife and Mommy.  Shockingly,  he was not as "fine with it" as I was.  But I did manage to get our $100 back about a month later. Around that time, at about 35 days sober,   I discovered some really cool people that I ALREADY knew and  liked, who just happened to be sober alcoholics.  And they invited me to a meeting.  And I went.  And I discovered all sorts of wonderful things...but, that is... (say it with me) "another story for another time".

My goodness, I have many so stories to tell you!  And I really think we are going to have some FUN!   Or, at least, I am pretty sure I am.  I certainly hope you won't be a stick in the mud.  ;)

So, here I sit....17 months later....finally starting my blog.  And yes, I pondered the name for long time.  And I am starting with a free one.  And I wrote down all the email and password info.  And even though my life is so much better today, I am still a hot mess.  Oh, you'll see.  But as I sit here and type this and I remember that woman....scared, excited, so full of hope, but totally overwhelmed, and utterly ashamed...I smile really big and I just think, "Well, bless her heart!"