Super Bowl Sober Sunday

"But what if I'm not FUN anymore?!" 

   That was literally the first thing I thought about any time I would even consider giving up drinking.  I mean, how did anyone have any fun at all without being drunk?   ( I remember being around a few folks that did not drink at different times in my life and thinking to myself, "Those poor souls.  They must be the most boring people EVER!"   Seriously.)

   Everything I did was an excuse to drink.  Going to the beach?  The movies?  Bowling?  Company picnic? We must drink!  A reunion?  Working lunch?  Happy hour?  Girls night?  Bring out the vodka!  Football games on Sundays, ESPECIALLY the Super Bowl, were a God-send to a drunk like me.  I could start drinking early and get pretty shitty, and it was totally socially acceptable.  "Come on, Everybody's doing it!"   Towards the end of my drinking, I used to jokingly say, "I only drink on days that end in "Y"!"   Ha ha ha ha.  Wasn't I hilarious and cute?

 (As a side note, I think the culture of making jokes about being a drunk, seen most often on Facebook, do a real disservice to women who actually have a problem. I hid behind the "jokes" for a good while.  I mean, if all these other ladies are posting these hilarious memes about drinking too much, then I must be ok!  Right?)  Yeah, not so much.


  You see, I knew that I drank too much a few years before I started thinking about quitting.  And then it took me a few more years after that to actually quit.  Once I went to see a therapist because my life was a hot mess.  He suggested that I stop drinking "just for 30 days...to see if anything got better." Huh???  Riiiight.   I never went back. 

  Here's the thing.  I had a pretty great childhood.  No abuse, great parents, lots of friends.  But my mother was an alcoholic.  She did not die from alcoholism, but she drank until she was too sick to hold a glass.  That, coupled with an incredible desire to be liked, nay LOVED, by everyone I came into contact with...and you have a perfect recipe for an alcoholic disguised as "Party girl Julie".  (That was an actual nick-name given to me by the wife of the CEO of a huge company I worked for...and I thought it was a good thing.  Lawd.) 

    Looking back, I was "Party girl Julie"....and for a short while it was working.  (And I do mean short.)  But the bad decisions and dangerous situations kept mounting.  It is incredible to me when I recall all of the insane shit I did and how I was able to justify it all, never actually considering that alcohol was the problem.  I just wanted to have fun!   The problem was I never wanted the party to end. 

     I remember my husband saying to me, on more than one occasion, "Don't you think it's time to grow up?"  On the surface I was offended, but deep down I knew that he was right.  I love my husband for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that he knew he couldn't make me get sober...that I had to decide to do it on my own.   And thank God I did. 

     I am coming up on 18 months without a drink.  Which is incredible to me.  And I don't tell you this to brag.  I am telling you this because there was a time when I could  not imagine 18 days without one, let alone 18 months.  I had no idea how to do life without my mask of booze.  I thought it made me fabulous.  What it really made me was a terrible friend, employee, wife and mother. 

     But here's the awesome part.  Here is what I have learned thus far in my recovery.  That I am fun.  And funny.  And fabulous.  All without booze.  I laugh harder.  My friendships are more genuine.  I am most definitely a better wife and mother. I never have to wake up again with the shame of not knowing exactly what I did the night before.  I never have to lie to my bosses about why I can't make it into work today.  I never have to text any of my friends apologizing for my behavior at their party, hoping they forgive me.   My kids don't have to wonder why "Mommy has a headache" AGAIN.   I have an incredible program filled with amazing people and if I work it, I get a daily reprieve from my alcoholism.  I am more free than I ever dreamed was possible. 

     And before you roll your eyes and throw up a little bit in your mouth from all of my gushing and gratitude, let me also say this.  Life is still hard.  I still have days where I am overwhelmed with feeling like a failure as a parent.  My husband and I still fight about silly stuff sometimes.  And big stuff, too.  I have days where staying in bed sounds like a really super idea.  Shit is HARD.  But I don't have to pick up a drink to get through it.  Just for today. 

     I decided to write about this today, because I was thinking that only a few years ago, a Super Bowl Sunday without alcohol was unimaginable.   Today I am going to enjoy great food and my family while we watch the game. Without shame, guilt or any bad decisions.   I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be completely transparent about my recovery, in the hopes that I might help other women like me. 

      Now, I can only tell my story.  I can only tell you how it was for me.   It is not my place to judge anyone else or how they live their life.   Shockingly,  I still struggle with this at times.  I mean, honestly, if people would just listen to me, they could get their shit together.  (I have the best ideas, dontcha know?)  ;)

   There's a saying that I learned in recovery that I love.  (actually there are LOTS of sayings in recovery that I love.   Apparently we are fond of incredibly deep, yet catchy phrases to help to teach really good life lessons.)  I digress....it's "Keep your side of the street clean."  It means, you just need to do you.   (Great advice, but tough for a know-it-all like me.)  So, I am not writing this to judge anyone.   But I can share my "experience, strength and hope" with y'all.  Maybe someone out there needed to hear this today.  If only to plant the seed.

     So, if you are struggling with your drinking, know this.  There is help out there.  And life is not only fun without booze, it can be so much better without it.  You will laugh again.  You will have a good time.   You CAN live every day without being trapped by your drinking.   Reach out.  And don't be ashamed.  You are not alone.  There are lots of fun and fabulous women just like you.  Probably more than you think.  And we are here to support you.  And the best part is that we are always here, if you ever decide that you have had enough.  No judgment.  Just love.  And since it's Super Bowl "Sober" Sunday....Go Seahawks!  xo

Well, Bless Her Heart!

Hey Y'all! 

I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog for about 17 months now.   I enjoy writing a great deal and some folks have even said they find me funny...

So,  when I got sober back in August of 2013, I decided RIGHT THEN that I was going to make blogging about my sobriety my mission.  If you happen to be friends with someone when they get sober, you will find that most of us think we are going to save the world, become a rehab counselor, feed the homeless, start a charity or some sort of other far out thing that we will neither have the time nor the energy for in our early sobriety.   So there I sat, a full 6 hours sober, pretty hungover and sort of with the shakes, having just told my sweet husband (much to his relief) that today was the day.  I told him that I knew I was an alcoholic and that I had to stop.  He asked me if I was serious.  I think more than once.  I assured him I was very serious.  We hugged.   So with all of that and a big kiss, I sent him off to work, both of us excited, scared and really more bewildered than anything.

 I was a stay at home mom at the time and the kids were, thankfully, still sleeping.  I jumped onto my laptop and googled the usual...."women and alcoholism" "am I an alcoholic?" "How in the F**K do I stop drinking?" (Okay, I didn't really Google that last one, but I was certainly thinking it!)

I was amazed at the sheer volume of websites, blogs, and message boards for women alcoholics.  I spent the next few hours pouring over ones that would become my favorites...totally wrapped up in the words of women who were JUST LIKE ME.  It was truly a miracle.    At that point, I was convinced I did not need AA, because they were a bunch of crazy, scary homeless people.  (I was way wrong about that on both counts, but that's a story for another day.).   So I made two decisions.  One, I was going to get (and hopefully stay) sober in the comfort of my own home, wrapped up in the beautiful cocoon of online women's recovery AND I was going to write my own amazing and inspirational blog about my journey to fabulousness via sobriety!!     Never one to dilly dally when I make up my mind, I named the blog, bought and paid for a word press domain and decided I was going to write the Best. Sober. Blog. Evah.

And all before my husband came home for lunch!

Can I tell you  that I never wrote one single damn word?

Le sigh.

You see, I had to create a Gmail account first.  And instead of going with a familiar email address, I wanted to use my brand new blog name, in all it's glory.  Are you ready for this?  I  named it "a beautiful buzz free life" .com!  Yes, I was heady with my newfound sobriety.  I mean, seriously.  It makes me laugh so much today.  I was filled with so much happy righteousness.  Ha!

 So, I set up the email, chose a password (also a new variation on one of our usuals....am I smart or what?) and designed my perfect "pro-recovery/look at me get sober and kick-ass" website. I could not wait to show it to the hubs!

Now, let me say this about my sweet husband.  He is (mostly) a PEACH.  Seriously....I got very lucky when we fell in love after being best friends for 30 years! (yet another story for another day). 

So, the poor guy comes home for lunch, half expecting me to laugh and say, "Hey- about that whole quitting drinking thing?  Just kidding!"   Fortunately for us both, I did not say that.  Instead, I greeted him at the door with a huge hug and a kiss and said, "Ohmygosh honey, you won't believe what I am going to do!  It's going to be so amazing!  And it will help me stay sober!  AND I can help other women get and stay sober, too! I going to write a sober BLOG!  Eeeeeee!  What's that?  Is it a free blog site? Um, no.  Please.  You know I ONLY do things in the most expensive way possible. (thank GOD that ended up being a trait that gently subsided with my sobriety)  What's that?  How much?  Oh, that's not important! Let me show you!  It has the best name!  Are you ready? "

He was not ready.  Partially because I had just spent $100 on the domain that we really did not have.  And partially because when I laid the AMAZEBALLS name of my blog on him...."A Beautiful and Buzz Free Life" .com....well, let's just say his socks stayed firmly on his feet.    Jay is always VERY supportive of just about all of my endeavors.  (yay!)  He is also ALWAYS totally honest with me.  (not yay!) 

He literally was like....are you sure that's the name?  I mean, you already picked it?  And paid for it?  I mean, it's ok but...

Wait, what?

So, he's laying the truth on me and I am slowly crumbling into a puddle on the floor.  But then.....like any good alcoholic that is, oh....say 9 whole hours sober....I got MAD.  So mad.  "How do you not LOVE it?" I screamed?    "Don't you remember what I used to always say?  'Everything is better with a BUZZ'???  That was like my life's motto!  It's perfect.  And I LOVE it.  And you suck if you don't!    (we will address the fact that I was still clinging to that credo as a 41 year old mother in another post) 

He quickly recanted and reassured me that it was a wonderful blog name and that he was extremely proud of me.  (good man)   He went on to say that I was an excellent writer and he agreed that it would be really wonderful for me to blog about getting sober.  Hooray!  My first major sober crisis solved.  And I didn't have to have a drink to get through it. 

The day went on...Jay went back to work.  I played with my beautiful babies....filled with the remorse over what a crap Mom I had been to them up to that point and overwhelmed with the JOY at what the future would hold for us...that I would be the perfect mother as a sober mother.  (at this point I was under the serious disillusion that getting sober was going to fix everything...my life would be utter perfection, ripe with all good things and void of anything unpleasant.  Bwah ha ha.  Also, a good story for another day.)

Anyway....fast forward to that evening.  The kids are in bed.  It's my first... "gulp".... night without my beloved wine.  I was a little shaky but strong in my resolve.  And what better way to make this alcohol free evening fabulous than taking a crack at my first sober blog post?  Right?  Right!

So....I settled in at my desk and opened my laptop.  I typed in my blog address and went to sign in with my brand new Gmail address.  I typed in abeautifulandbuzzfreelife@gmail.com and put in my password...just bursting with excitement.

Error. 
What?
Let me try that again.
So I did.
Nope.
F**k
Did I type it in wrong?  Crap!
Still not working.
WTF Google??
So I try another password...because we have several variations of a few different ones and I could not remember which one I used for certain.
And no....I did NOT write the damn thing down. 
Shush.

I type a new one in. Nope.   Then another.  Nada.   And Again. 
Nothing. 
Denied.  I can not get into the back end of my blog. 
Then I start to panic....was my blog name "A" beautifulandbuzzfreelife???  Or had I left off the "A", in a much more casual and cool "beautifulandbuzzfreelife" fashion?  I had absolutely no clue.
So I tried it that way.
Nope. 
And again. 
Are you f**king kidding me?   At this point, I ponder if this ridiculous stress is enough to say to hell with this shit and go buy some vodka.  I quickly decide it is not.

But seriously.  How did this happen?  So I try to retrieve my password....or change it...or SOMETHING.  But...you have to KNOW your email address to get INTO it.  Funny how that works.

In all my euphoria and excitement, I had neglected to write anything down and was now completely and utterly f**ked.   Yep.  That just happened.  (I can sometimes be a little flighty and careless...shocking to hear, I am sure.)  

I could not even bring myself to tell my husband for at least a week.  But by that time, I had made peace with my blunder...fully embracing that fact that I did not have the time to blog about my journey to a new and sober me....What was I thinking?  I was too busy trying to get there... in addition to being a full time wife and Mommy.  Shockingly,  he was not as "fine with it" as I was.  But I did manage to get our $100 back about a month later. Around that time, at about 35 days sober,   I discovered some really cool people that I ALREADY knew and  liked, who just happened to be sober alcoholics.  And they invited me to a meeting.  And I went.  And I discovered all sorts of wonderful things...but, that is... (say it with me) "another story for another time".

My goodness, I have many so stories to tell you!  And I really think we are going to have some FUN!   Or, at least, I am pretty sure I am.  I certainly hope you won't be a stick in the mud.  ;)

So, here I sit....17 months later....finally starting my blog.  And yes, I pondered the name for long time.  And I am starting with a free one.  And I wrote down all the email and password info.  And even though my life is so much better today, I am still a hot mess.  Oh, you'll see.  But as I sit here and type this and I remember that woman....scared, excited, so full of hope, but totally overwhelmed, and utterly ashamed...I smile really big and I just think, "Well, bless her heart!"